The past 6 months has been that of firsts. Naomi’s first birthday in motherhood without Jacob. Ana’s first birthday without big brother. Naomi’s first Mother’s Day without her first born. That had to have been the worst. I cannot imagine her pain and I am in the middle of it. My birthday came and went without Jacob. Yesterday, June 20, 2021, I was without Jacob for Father’s Day.
I have oft laughed about Mother’s and Father’s Day. We would always go to LFCC for brunch on Mother’ Day. We would then follow it up with a ball game or some other fun family event. Naomi would get flowers or perhaps some other typical gift. To her, Mother’s Day is about spending a nice day with the kids.
Father’s Day has always been paradoxically different. It’s almost narcissistic in nature. I would always joke with the family. When asked about what I wanted for Father’s Day, I would answer with some snarky comment. I’d want to golf and eat whatever I wanted. I’d joke and say that I would want a day where I wouldn’t have to do ANYTHING with ANYONE. A day where no one existed but me. Reading this paragraph seems like a true definition of a narcissist. I. I. I.
Yesterday, we all awoke with that same reality we’ve had since December 27. It wasn’t about me. It was about us all. Yes, it’s true that it was Father’s Day. That day didn’t stop reality. It didn’t mean that Ana had her brother back in the physical world. She still woke up missing. Naomi woke up missing. I awoke the EXACT same way. Missing. The day, itself, happened. I went to visit Jacob. I cleaned up his grave site. Ana still dealt with her post wisdom teeth removal. Naomi still did her yardwork. We prepared for our neighborhood cookout.
The difference between yesterday and most recent days, was I once again felt the enormous reach of our extended family. So many of you, friends and family, reached out to me via text, calls, FB messages, FB posts and stop overs. The day before, during a meltdown, I drove my car to see Bootie Homans. She’s like my second mother and sometimes you just need to go to a safe place. A place Jacob loved so much. It was healing.
Yesterday came and went. It was another first. It was one for the books. We got through it. I wouldn’t say we thrived but we did it.
