Seven months have passed since my wife lost her son. Seven months have passed since my daughter lost her brother. Seven months have passed since countless cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents and friends alike lost Jacob. Seven months have passed since I was able to kiss Jacob’s head and tell him I love him. That is, seven months have passed since I had empirical proof Jacob Butze could hear me and reply. The seemingly endless meals, calls, texts have mostly gone. My family is left alone with this new reality. We are left alone to grieve and more importantly try and navigate the world without Jacob.
One day Jacob came to me in a near panic. He was very upset with a relationship that ended. He was confused and sad. I gave him advice that seems unfair of me to give now. I told him that he existed well before “some gal” was in his life. I told him he lived life to the fullest before and he will do it again. I was basically telling him that what he once had was false. What he once had meant nothing because he was something with or without her. Wow, what short-sided advice from the “ole man.”
I existed before Jacob was born. I existed before Ana was born. I was whole before I ever met Naomi. Then, these people came into my life and completely changed it. Maybe I was never whole or perhaps I’ve gone through a complete metamorphosis. Whatever it is, I cannot heed my own advice. Jacob profoundly changed us all. This wasn’t because of some great parenting trick. This wasn’t because of some skill Naomi and I possess. Jacob was different. He turned compassion and empathy from a feeling to an action. He stood up for people when they had no defense.
It’s extremely hard to just “move on” or even push through. My family is in full survival mode with no end in sight. It’s hard for me to look my family members sometimes. I’ve always done my best to be positive. What happens when that positive energy has been eviscerated? What happens when nothing I say matters? That’s our reality. I’ve come to realize in these prose that I was very little before my kids. I’m okay with that. I hope someday I can look back and smile. I hope to just smile again and see real smiles on my family’s faces.
#NEGU #MISSYOU #JACOBSTRONG
