To say this weekend was difficult is an understatement. Passover has long been Jacob’s favorite holiday. He has always loved its pageantry mixed with the spring renewal. It was very hard to see the empty chair across the table. I truly understood the depth of the wave of grief for the first time this weekend. I speak of my grief in the first person although so many of us are lost right now. My story is just that, mine, but it is shared.
Preparing for Passover was different. The springtime renewal of which it comes, is there but it’s different. This year, heavy legs, hearts and souls replaced that optimism. We could have “canceled” this year’s tradition of setting the table. We didn’t. Becky and Brad arrived to add some normalcy of what turned to be organized chaos this weekend.
We visited sweet Jacob on Saturday. Saturday evening, we sat minus one, and started our tradition, of which Jacob loved. I couldn’t take the pain and had to dismiss myself. I miss this boy so much. My grief is larger than saying this doesn’t make sense. I want to hug and kiss him. I hate that his body is no longer here. I understand his spirit is still with us. It makes sense that he was even better than a body.
I fully understand all of this pragmatically. I wrestle with why but often leave that thought alone. I am left with sadness. I may know why someday. I may not. None of this changes how much I miss everything about Jacob.
Past tense has never been so hard to write.
#JacobStrong #NEGU
